Thoughts of Thinking

Tina was saying she is fascinated by statistics, and I too have an interest in those, but it’s the underlying workings (mechanics – algorithms) of life, the universe, machinery, software and everything, that is extremely fascinating.

When I was in my late teens, my very first girl friend said that children think in pictures and adults think in words. I’m not sure how true this is, as I haven’t researched it. I didn’t like to say I thought in pictures as well as words, and I still do. In fact I think in a myriad of ways; pictures, feelings, shapes, and words of course. I don't seem to control which method comes to hand first, so don’t ask me specific questions about it, although I’m very interested in what happens in your head. It is possible that none of this is true, and the patterns are something to do with my current depression – but I am in remission, I think! LoL.

Getting back to the mechanics of logic, and there is nothing more pure than maths of course. I adore mathematics and maths problems, probably because the mechanics of solving maths problems is already mapped out for us. I wasn’t quite clever enough to cope with calculus, sadly to say. Basic programming was fun, and I eventually taught it in night classes for beginners, but I haven’t done it for ages, and I suppose I’ve lost interest in it. Do you watch Countdown? We used to until this Geof person took over, and now we don’t bother. What fascinates me there though, are the people that get those conundrums so quickly; not why are they so good, but rather why are some of us so bad. Intriguingly, if I have had a bad night with the maths, and I haven’t solved the number problems – that’s the night I’ll get the conundrum, and can even beat the contestants and Jay on those nights. On normal nights when I’m zipping through the maths, I’m minutes behind Jay and the contestants at the conundrums.

What actually started this train of thought was Tina, and her Flickr request. I went through all her pictures and nothing happened to the stats. So I decided to play with my Bob and Anna site. Neither is linked to the other so I experimented with the search - and yes, Anna found Bob, and Bob found Anna - BUT - as Anna I could see all Bob's pics, but as Bob, I got the -Anna has nothing for you - message. Considering both sites are open to the public, how does that happen.

What do you think of digital TV? I think it’s rubbish, and a lot of the blurb that’s being spat out to ‘assist’ people through the changes is rubbish too, and depending what point they are trying to make at the time, contradictory also. I know! – we couldn’t get the number of extra stations without going digital. Stuff your extra channels, I was happy with the 4 we had already.

BUT – I was in the kitchen Sunday washing up and tidying up the pans I’d used to cook dinner. Regular readers will know I just love Sundays – treating Jay by doing all the meals and cooking – and treating myself to those girlie jobs. So there I was, going through the channels to see if there was anything worth watching, and WOW – I came to the QVC channel and Estee Lauder was doing a make-up demonstration. Obviously, the presenter is trying to get us to buy her products, and you could too, there and then by just phoning in, and they’ll post you what ever you want. But it was just so fascinating watching an expert at work, explaining everything as she went – if only I had a photographic memory – and the results were fabulously subtle and beautiful; if I had been in the hobbies room with the spare VCR, I’d have recorded it all.

I do remember one thing she said – brown (eyeshadow) is the safe option, but it’s so boring, and doesn’t make your eyes light up. So that’s told me – LoL.

More make-up tips / or not!!!

This posting was going to be, "Anna and the easy way to do Make-up". OK, not quite easy make-up, but easy eye-shadow. It had been going so well, the eye shadow, until I tried using two colours together. To be fair, it did look good the first time, ooohhh, but the second time, it looked awful. What about eye-liner you may ask – it looked like some one had borrowed a black line off a zebra crossing – it was even more aaawful. And the mascara stuff, it went on fairly well, …… but, it was bright blue. OK, ok, there was a tiny label saying – electric blue – but as it had a bar code on it too, I thought it was just the pricing label. All the Rimmel stuff seems to be in black bottle things; no colour coding at all.

Oh my goodness, but it was, well is, fun. I’m hooked on make-up. So I guess the time will come eventually, when I’ll be going for the, (fanfare), makeover. If I had had another girl with me to share the fun, it would have been even more hilarious.

I hadn’t realised that I would need to be an artist to get the best out of my make-up. I have found that Nivea body moisturiser makes a good foundation cream. The eye shadow is bolder and darker when I’ve moisturised my face first. It’s handy too, for keeping eyebrows neat and tidy, and if your hold-ups have lost there tackiness before you’ve laddered them, then a dab or two or three around the thigh before you put them on, keeps them in place quite nicely. Probably not worth trusting for an evening out on the town, (village – LoL), without doing a wear test, but it was ok at home. You’ll want to wear your best ones when you go out, anyway.

Yes, I know, genetic girls (gg’s) wouldn’t wear hold-ups under their jeans at home, but sometimes I just need the cosiness of having something feminine on. And on that note, I wish every one a merry Xmas, and may your desires come true in 2010. May your god or guiding spirit, go with you. Hugs, Anna.

Hysteresis and Cross dressing, at last.

There was a very interesting program on the Open University umpteen years ago, and it used a 3D graph that explained how people react to events. Why is it interesting? Because it explained why, when you upset your partner big time, the explosion doesn't come until sometime later, but when it does, you actually have to improve a huge amount, (be amazingly contrite etc), before they flip back to cheerfulness. Flipping describes it just right too. There is something similar in science and maths called hysteresis, where the effects of an action, trail behind that action. So, calling your partner a silly moo today, may bring a big problem tomorrow.

It's hysteresis that has proved my undoing. Over several years, I was gradually cultivating my feminine traits, and I thought I was doing very well, especially as I hadn't had any adverse feedback from Jay. By this, I mean I was doing it full time. Then one day, she noticed that Bob wasn't that Bobish, I guess - and kaboom. Retracting some of the femininity did no good; I had to go almost all the way back to Bobsville. The kaboom happened after a visit from my lovely sister-in-law, so she may have awoken Jay to all those small changes I had made. I adore them both, so I can't blame them, can I? I haven't a plan yet of where to go from here though, but I'm not giving up my cross dressing time, and my yearning to explore and show off my femininity.

Talking of cross dressing, did I mention that I have been practicing wearing my wig? and that I caught an image of myself in the mirror - and that I looked like my daughter. She's lovely, and quite pretty, so that's no bad thing. The other night, I had my first big dress up since the broken wrist saga - I have been a bit reluctant to do any cross dressing really, but I didn't let that worry me. First I had another wow! moment. I put the eye shadow on - properly this time, both shades, right up to the eyebrows. The brown was neat, but when you add the other, light colour, it all changes and looks - glorious. Then the other night, I decided to do eye shadow, wig, nylons, bra and everything. I was dressed in my favourite long skirt and blouse, sashaying about the room in my high heels, watching my image in the mirror, when I just smiled at the whole thing - and my features changed, and I just looked so utterly feminine, it was gorgeous. If I can capture that on camera, Ill plaster it all over my sites. So watch this space.

Wigs - a girl was asking on Angels, 'How do other CDs cope with the head temperature, when they wear a wig all day?' I'd like to know too - LoL. I couldn't wear my current, cheap and horrible, wig outside though, as I think it's a bit too big and loose. Noeleena gave me a site that does nice wigs, and sooner or later I will have to get something decent, and that means expensive - well, to me it does - LoL.

Hugs to every one, Anna

Eye shadow, lists and flack

I've been up to no good again. I have bought some eye shadow, and with my droopy eyelids you can't see much of it, and just as well you'll be thinking.
Since our last trip to the relatives in Kent and Essex, Jay has been whinging about the length of my fingernails. I admit they are longer than the average Bob nails, but a girl needs something pretty about their personage. Just to prove that Jay can't have the last word on everything, I wanted to do something covert, and it's just so much fun to experiment. Like the lipstick experiment, I wasn't expecting to have it on very long, but when I tried applying the eye shadow, two things were very obvious; the droopy lids as just mentioned, and the colours I chose - a brown and light brown. I chose them because my son said that for most people, browns are the best colour. At least, thats what I think he said, and as I was in Aldi, unchaperoned - LoL - so I took the opportunity to buy something girlie, and this looked like a good choice.
The darker of the two browns is only a trifle darker than my own skin colour, and tucked in under the eye brows, it doesn't show up. So if it doesn't show up, why am I doing it - because I can. It's nice to practice with something innocuous too, and as I hinted at just now, it's sort of gives me the feeling that I am one up on Jay. I've been out shopping in the village today too, and just to be out and about with something girlie on is sort of emboldening.
I was chatting the other day about eyebrows. On my visit around the relatives, I did a bit of eyebrow research, and I discovered what? That I have married into a family with ugly eyebrows - in fact, mine are the prettiest. Really!
Tina was chatting on her blog about her list of firsts. It was a gorgeously long list and I don't think I could claim more than a couple of them for myself - if I stretch a point or two –LoL. Then I popped into Demi’s blog, and she had a list – but hers was from the other side so to speak – this was a list of things to aim at doing – and I had a few of those. She was actually writing a letter to someone who had left her a comment, ( I think, but check it out yourself), and so she was writing this, hoping the person would come back and read it. It’s a very nice read too. Hmmm, I guess that’s more home work eh?
Jess and I have a problem with labels – me, partly as I don’t always understand what they mean exactly, - and both of us, because people use the labels to isolate and denigrate various other parts of the T community. It seems to me that the Trans community is where the gay community was 20 or more years ago. The gay and lesbian groups have overcome a lot of the abuse and discrimination that used to be showered on them, and hopefully we can do the same. The problem is, those who stand up for us, seem to come in for a lot of stick, and perversely, a lot of it seems to come from within the T groups. This is a shame, as it's bad enough coping with transphobics etc. with out dealing with a lot of flack from t-girls. Some of the flack comes from within the LBGT ubergroup, and you would have thought, seeing how much the LBGs in it have had to put up with, they would be more sympathetic. My immediate lesbian and gay friends, who don't know I'm trans incidentally, don't appear to be transphobic, but some of the high profile LBGs are certainly overcritical of individual t-girls. I've got a lot of help from Angels and Transliving, but you can't rely on 100% support even from the girls there either, if you stick your head up over the parapet. There is a lot of criticism on hand every where it seems. I guess the flack only comes from a minority of people, but the are certainly vociferous.
Hugs Anna
Demi's bit http://demilautrec.blogspot.com/2009/09/buried-messages-from-mouths-of-babes.html
Jess's bits which will explain my last ramblings http://jessicas-ramblings.blogspot.com/2009/10/little-boxes.html