The best advice for couples with problems is to talk to each other. Jay and I were not discussing the important issues we have, and a friend suggested writing her a letter, to get the dialogue going so to speak. I thought this over for a while, and decided to give it a go.
A Letter to my Wife,
Hi Super Girl,
Do you remember when we used to write such lovely letters to each other? Of course you do, - a silly question. This is a love letter too, because I love you to pieces. I’ve always been proud of you, you are so clever, knowledgeable, and to me, very pretty. I tell everyone how much I love you, how good you are at everything, how artistic, how skilful.
I know you hate my feminine side, but is it such a threat now, after living with it or enduring it for 6 ½ years. I know that was an awful shock, and you wanted promises I couldn’t promise, and answers I couldn’t answer.
I suppose you are hoping I’ll get better, but historically, once people like me have this duel gender identity – that is it – we have to cope with it for the rest of our lives. I want and need you for the rest of my life too. I am so pleased that you still want me with you. I so want to share the rest of our lives together. I know, you don’t want to see my feminine side, but I need time for self expression on that side – and is a bit of cross-dressing – 2 hrs out of a whole week – so bad? I like my feminine side, and yes, if it was possible, I’d prefer to be a woman, have a sex change op and all that, but I couldn’t do that with out someone I love supporting me. I want you more than I want all that. You are wonderful, and so lovely, and so supportive, and I couldn’t live without you.
There are lots of people like us, some make it, and some don’t. Most of us couples who are happy to make do with a cross-dressing partner who doesn’t want or need to go the whole route – make it. Each couple has a different take on what each partner will tolerate – what guide lines and parameters are to make them happy, to give them a workable solution. Some partners go out together while one is en femme: some tolerate and even help, but only in the home; and some tolerate it in the home, but refuse to actually see it; it being their partner en femme / cross-dressing.
I like cross-dressing, I feel beautiful, even if I look a complete prat. I like conversing with other people who cross-dress – I don’t feel so unique, so weird, so pathetic anymore. I’m normal, I’m not unusual, I’m not perverted, I’m still a nice person.
I adore you; it hurts me so much to see you unhappy, to see your tears, to hear the silences. I know you find my feminine side hideous, and your technique has to been to blanket and ban any sign of it, but is that really the best way? You said you don’t know what I’m doing, when I’m upstairs and you are downstairs, but you have imaginings. You said that every time I go out, you wonder what I’ll smuggle back in when I get home. The price of knowing could be peace of mind. I don’t always bring something feminine back, but yes, quite often. Mostly new nylons and wax strips. Life is so mundane sometimes. What do I do during the soaps? I put on a bra, stuff it with rice – if I get hungry I could do a curry – (sorry, couldn’t resist that), a blouse from Matalan, a skirt from the hospice shop or Littlewoods, hold-ups from Aldi, shoes from Littlewoods or the cancer shop, trim my nails and watch a video or the One Show on TV. 40 minutes of this three times a week is the best I get, and sometimes I don’t even get that, Sometimes I’m just not in the mood. It would be nice to be able to say :
“Hi Pet, I’m just off to shower and change”, knowing that if the phone rings, I can answer it and take it to you without having to rip everything off..
It would be nice to say:
“Hi Pet, I’m off for some ink cartridges, and I need some waxing strips, so I’ll gee them at the same time.”
It would be nicer too, if while we are doing the weekly shop-up to say;
“I need some nylons today”, and grab a pair as we go past and toss them in the trolley. I know, you don’t want a hint, a sight, a smell, of anything feminine and me coming together. But there could be a trade off her, peace of mind when I’m out and about, and fixed boundaries too in the home.
Lots of people have secrets, and what goes on in the privacy of our homes should be that. Why does it have to be public – it doesn’t. We don’t have to tell the kids – although I’d be happier if they knew. But that’s normal, or so it appears from what I have seen people say on the net; keeping it private from family and everyone else, that is.
Lots of people find support and solace within like minded, similarly affected people. You said that you don’t want help from anyone, especially if helping means trying to make you accept my feminine side. I’ve got the advantage here, because I’ve found lots of people like me, some worse off, some not so, some having to put up with terrible abuse and pressures. I love you for not putting me under such strain. I love for not throwing me out of the house, for not throwing my clothes out of the house, for not putting my life in the skip.
You asked me one day what I was doing at the computer.
“This and that”
“Oh brilliant”, or something similar.
I am scared of saying too much. Every time we chat, I lose a bit of feminine .. things! For instance, when we were chatting about waxing my legs, you said that seeing them like that scared you. Knowing that makes it very hard to do it any more – and I do like my hairless legs. OK, so every now and then I do a little bit – my knees mostly – I refuse to have hairy knees, but I’ve lost something there have I not.
I see lots of people on the net, or at least I see their musings, problems, advice, but unless I stick in with my own 3 ha’porth worth, they don’t know I exist. It doesn’t stop what they write being helpful. Yes, it would be great to say;
“Ann has had a good night out” or;
“Anna has a good idea today”, or;
“Annie’s had a bad day, poor girl”, and talk over their problems, like we discuss Ann’s across the road, or the people with the dog around the corner.
I want to help you, but I can’t help you by not being feminine. I can try and not be obviously girly, a you asked, by trying to be masculinely mannered when I am with you, although for me that means wearing men’s clothes. I feel I’ve always been nice and gentle. You can decide on that.
I love you and adore you so much. I do want you to be happy, but I want to be happy too.
For Evermore XXXX
I have cheated on the terminology. I don't have a duel gender disorder have one gender - I am a girl, it's my body that is wrong. I used this wording as I thought it would be more acceptable to Jay; as talking about my frmininity, as though it was something seperate from me. My femininty is me, it's Anna, I am Anna, we are one. I haven't broached the subject of Anna with Jay, as I feel this will ostracise me even more.
I hope this explains something more of who I am.
May you all have sunshine in your lives - Anna
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