I've been thinking that I'm getting no where fast. I've missed my dressing time while I'm wearing my fibreglass cast - my fave tops won't slip over the darnn thing. It's sad that the only place I can't be feminine is at home. OK, not quite true, I can be feminine any time Jay isn't in the same room, but that's the sad bit - the woman I adore is the biggest problem. As soon as I step out the door I go femme in my head, although I'm in bob mode, and I practice my walk and poise. I don't care if I send out mixed messages, as I feel it's my only chance to shake off the lie I live most of the time. I'm a girl, so I should act like one - shouldn't I?
I guess I'm an enigma, but hey who cares. Not being who or what I feel am is what I care about. But, the other day we went to a local market, and I fell for some new tops - but they were tops for BOB, would you believe. It's 7 years since I outed to Jay, and for the first few years or more I refused to buy anything for Bob. When I had the chance, I had bought stuff to wear as Anna, but nothing satisfied my rules for male attire. The rule was, they had to be 'unisex'.
Now, I actually hate the term, because it translates as One Sex. It should be called Uni-style, because it is one style for both sexes. I dare say, my views won't have any effect on the clothing trade - LoL. My big grouse with 'unisex' clothing is that, in practice, 'Unisex' clothing is male clothing, given some pretty colour ranges, to appeal to woman. And lets face it, girls don't care about the gender style of their gear, because if they like it, they'll wear it. Not finding 'unisex' in a femme style proved to be my blocker. I don't like wearing anything that reinforces the male gender identity. When girls wear blue it's fine, they are still girls, when I wear blue I'm waving a flag with MAN on it. As my clothes wore out I eventually had to buy some male gear - and although I keep looking at 'unisex' stuff, I haven't actually got any. I guess you will be saying - "Silly moo - anything is better than nothing - grab that 'unisex' stuff Bob and on your way."
The tops? They had a girlie shear quality about them, if that is the correct word. Filmy T-shirts. A black one, with square blocks in differing black stitch patterns on black; a white one with square blocks in differing black stitch patterns on white, creating greys; and a white one with a small amount of black on collars and hems. The stall had a massive range of female clothes in all styles and colours - how I'd adore having a shopping spree there for Anna.
To end on a good note, I don't have any problems with my femininity, and I'm even becoming comfortable with what little maleness I have too, the problems are with not having the freedom to be whom I know I am. ok, I lie. I could just say, "Ok, from today I'm not going to anything else but be female", and say good bye to Jay and life as I know it. But love for Jay means I've decided to stay in this no womans land. I said I was a enigma - LoL.
Now here's the fun bit, ( well, I've got to give you some homework to do)! this link tests what parts your male and female sides have in your make up. I don't think it's meant to taken seriously. Me? My male side is 43% male, and the female side is 93% pure woman.
Saturday night dinner on the Portland Spirit - It is Saturday and our group is doing our Holiday dinner cruise on the Portland Spirit, I have been looking forward to this for a couple months. But before...
10 hours ago