Boobs and more Boobs with Facebook help.

Being realistic, my feelings towards my own breasts is more wishful thinking than anything else, as it will probably take a year before any sure signs appear. But I like them.

We bought a new desktop computer at the beginning of the year, because the one Jay uses died. It gave out a few warning signs so I backed all the important docs and pics onto an external hard drive. The new machine uses Windows 7 Professional, which I don't like. None of my software works, and it didn't come with an email reader, you have to buy one at £100s. I had just got it all running, when the operating system went bonkers and wouldn't start. With the aid of some info on the net and my tame IBM pal, I got it going. But I had some fun with Facebook.

Facebook, bless their hearts, will only let one account use your mobile phone, so when I added my girlie account to my phone, it dumped Jays, and told her so! "Don't worry" I said, "it's probably a software glitch".

Somewhere along the line, I decided to join Facebook as my male self, not thinking there would be a problem. So their I am, getting Jay's machine Facebook enabled, and the first person it shows Jay as a possible friend is Anna. Jay's not very tolerant where computers are concerned, and she doesn't appreciate the 'help' they try to give her. She doesn't want friends apart from the few relations she plays scrabble with - her reason being, that they develop lots of 'naff' postings on her page that she has no interest in. I told her it was probably a friend of a friend of friend, that the useless software had turned up. Needless to say, when she wasn't looking, I put Anna into the 'block and don't mention her ever again' list.

I guess the software found Anna in my Andy mail list and thought it was a good idea to introduce her to Jay - NOOooo.

The next fun thing was a lovely visit from my lovely daughter. She decided to introduce Jay to a new game - Drawsomething by OMGsoftware - it is lots of fun, just like pictionary but you need an iPhone. Being a lovely girl, I put it in on my phone for her (I think she needs a serious birthday present - LoL) and it has been lots of fun watching the pics go back and forwards between her opponents. She has four, son and daughter and partners. I didn't realise that Drawsomething could be a spectator sport, but it is. The only problem being, it uses Facebook for it's login, and I had the Facebook app for my girlie account - needless to say, I have disabled it for now, and the program has to go to Facebook via Safari or 3G or whatever.

It is fun having a boy Facebook account, as I've connected to all the family across the globe. It's nice seeing all the family pics of birthdays etc. I had just better not let a link show between them and Anna. OMG, you don't suppose they get Anna on their hints page too do you. The answer has got to be yes I guess. I have put my photos out of reach of the public, as I didn't want Jay getting nosey one day, so hopefully, I am still incognito to casual browsers. Sometimes technology can be too clever for our own good.

Hugs, Anna x

A Lady in Waiting

I get lots of fun reading everyone’s blogs – not everyone on the net silly, LoL, just everyone I follow and hop through. I just adore all the differences we have, and the similarities with-in the differences – if you see what I mean. You all give me masses of fun, and more importantly, lots of hope.

Hoping for what – I’m not sure really – but probably that I can cope with the big discrepancy of what I’d like to be; like to have, and what I’ve got. There’s girls on Angels that have even less time and more hassles than me, so I’m not that badly off really.  I’ve been going through a phase where I have hardly had any crossdressing time at all – not to be confused with underdressing and a little make-up, which I do all the time. But then yesterday, I had a very powerful need to crossdress, and do the whole transformation thing – not a good day for it though, so I got rather sulky and down about it all. Today? – everything is OK. Jay is heading for the hairdressers, which she hates, and I’m heading for my clothes cache. I just need to get the timing right – LoL.

So how did it go? Very nicely, but today it was weird, because I was like, androgenised, dressed in gear that both sexes wear, using Bob Togs, but feeling feminine, and looking fairly feminine too I think – (I hope!). I had a photo shoot, as you can see – more on Flickr – and enjoyed the short hour of illicitness – just so nice.

It’s now 4 days later, and Jay has been as grumpy as hell – that silent kind of grumpyness. I guessed she suspected I was going to play while she was out. But no, it’s a long boring story about how and why they got there, but I dropped a pair of bright blue frilly thongs, in the bedroom no less, and jay found them first. It took me a day and a half to realise they were missing, and then work out why Jay was silently grumpy. I am so a muppet. She did at least say that she still loves me. We so adore each other, but have this little mismatch that is Anna.

I read a story written by Girlscot, called Josh and Gail part 2. A conversation between two people, Josh coming out to Gail about being transgendered.

Go to http://www.fictionmania.tv

At the bottom of the page click on the word ‘ENTER’

Then cut and paste  http://www.fictionmania.tv/stories/readtextstory.html?storyID=1286875449548092363

Into the browser address bar, and you’ll be there.

I cried when I read the story, partly in shame – it’s brilliantly written, and shows Gails side, all her fears, and questions, and worries – I can’t believe how crass and insensitive I was to Jays feelings when I told her I was, and wanted to be a woman. In my defence, I was in a bad depression, and I’d gone to my GP to get help, so I probably wasn’t thinking straight – but it’s a poor excuse. How do I atone for that, eight years later?

Late Onset Chatter

I became involved with a discussion on the Transliving Forum, a discussion about 'Late-onset gender Disphoria (GD)', which describes people like myself, whom have no idea that we are girls until we are in our forties. Looking back, there were hints, which I've mentioned else where, but they where/are vague; and some of you will rightly believe that they only show up now due to the telescope / microscope that is 20/20 hindsight vision. The term 'late-onset' isn't a medical one, it's just colloquial, or so I gather. There are a lot of people who don't come out until their forties, or later, because of their circumstances, like waiting for the kids to grow up or leave home, or what ever, but they have known they were gender dysphoric for quite some time at that point, even if that wasn't what they actually called it.

It was a fascinating thread though. At least 3 other people had not had an idea that they were harbouring a girl physche inside themselves. When I was first diagnosed as having GD, I checked up on it on the web. The article I found mentioned that people became aware of their GD very early on, pre-puberty being quite common; it mentioned that GD could appear later in life, becoming very strong in people's forties. It didn't say that it was a rare occurrence. The counsellor I got referred to didn't say it was rare either, although he said I didn't have the single-mindedness about it that people he saw usually had. I think still feeling that I am a girl, and rejoicing in the fact, six and a half years later; spending almost every waking minute thinking about being a girl; how to be even more girlie: how to get all the girlie bits I want; hating those male appendages with a passion; well, if that isn't single-mindedness, then what is? It's not surprising that older people take a more moderate view, having built up a life with a family, mortgage, businesses, and a whole host of other experiences, and responsibilities, all colouring how they feel they can react.

A girl pointed out that some of the 'reasons' that we put forward for not transitioning or whatever, were actually just 'excuses'. I think she is probably right, so my excuse for not transitioning is my love for Jay, and being scared to go it alone is in there too. For my part, Jay's vehement hatred of my girlie side doesn't make any difference to what I am, or what I think I am. I can let her block me looking and acting the woman I am, but she can't stop the luscious feelings of femininity I feel, and I can't stop the sadnesses that hit me from time to time, that this situation causes.

One of my role models is Tina Cortina, who has a delightful way with words, so check out her blog. She makes very interesting reading. The Link is:- here