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Tuesday, 2 November 2010

A Lady in Waiting

I get lots of fun reading everyone’s blogs – not everyone on the net silly, LoL, just everyone I follow and hop through. I just adore all the differences we have, and the similarities with-in the differences – if you see what I mean. You all give me masses of fun, and more importantly, lots of hope.

Hoping for what – I’m not sure really – but probably that I can cope with the big discrepancy of what I’d like to be; like to have, and what I’ve got. There’s girls on Angels that have even less time and more hassles than me, so I’m not that badly off really.  I’ve been going through a phase where I have hardly had any crossdressing time at all – not to be confused with underdressing and a little make-up, which I do all the time. But then yesterday, I had a very powerful need to crossdress, and do the whole transformation thing – not a good day for it though, so I got rather sulky and down about it all. Today? – everything is OK. Jay is heading for the hairdressers, which she hates, and I’m heading for my clothes cache. I just need to get the timing right – LoL.

So how did it go? Very nicely, but today it was weird, because I was like, androgenised, dressed in gear that both sexes wear, using Bob Togs, but feeling feminine, and looking fairly feminine too I think – (I hope!). I had a photo shoot, as you can see – more on Flickr – and enjoyed the short hour of illicitness – just so nice.

It’s now 4 days later, and Jay has been as grumpy as hell – that silent kind of grumpyness. I guessed she suspected I was going to play while she was out. But no, it’s a long boring story about how and why they got there, but I dropped a pair of bright blue frilly thongs, in the bedroom no less, and jay found them first. It took me a day and a half to realise they were missing, and then work out why Jay was silently grumpy. I am so a muppet. She did at least say that she still loves me. We so adore each other, but have this little mismatch that is Anna.

I read a story written by Girlscot, called Josh and Gail part 2. A conversation between two people, Josh coming out to Gail about being transgendered.

At the bottom of the page click on the word ‘ENTER’

Into the browser address bar, and you’ll be there.

I cried when I read the story, partly in shame – it’s brilliantly written, and shows Gails side, all her fears, and questions, and worries – I can’t believe how crass and insensitive I was to Jays feelings when I told her I was, and wanted to be a woman. In my defence, I was in a bad depression, and I’d gone to my GP to get help, so I probably wasn’t thinking straight – but it’s a poor excuse. How do I atone for that, eight years later?


  1. As so many of us know, you do not atone for that and the previous mistakes. You have to live with them and the life they have given you. Your wife has to decide daily whether to reject that life, accept or live with it, or somehow, embrace it. We wish for the third door, but don't get too hopeful (especially at our age!).

    Thanks for the link. It's been a long time since my last fictionmania story.


  2. Thank you Halle,

    I'm afraid you are so very right. My counsellor didn't actually say, don't get too hopeful, she sort of said - no chance whatever. But there's always a bit of hope, a bit of a dream - LoL.

  3. Good words from Halle. I hope everything works out.


  4. Thank you Calie,

    I just have to be patient - and sneaky in the mean time - LoL.

    Anna x