A Christmas surprise comes my way

Well, I didn’t get any proper presents of course, but I got the next best thing, a present from my doctor. A few days before Xmas I had to see my GP about prostate shrinking medication that they want to put me on. I asked the doc if they shrink other bits of the body, and so he looked the drug up in his book. I’m on hormones. I've got something I had always hoped for, by accident. Probably not as strong as the ones they give us when we want to transition, but hormones never-the-less.
The GP said ‘discomfort in the breasts with some growth can be experienced.’
‘That’s OK’ I said.
At the chemists, a woman came and saw me, and said I was not to let anyone near these pills who is pregnant, especially if the protective coating has been rubbed off. I didn’t realise these drugs were so powerful. All of which pleased me no end. It will all take several months to happen though, the shrinking – and I hope, the growing. When I first got diagnosed as genderdysphoric, and taking to all things girlie like a duck to water, I tried to enlarge my breasts with exercises and massaging. It did make a bit of difference, but my nipples seemed to be in the wrong place – so I stopped. I guess, they’ll still be in the wrong place, but who knows – LoL.

I didn’t think I would do my usual under-dressing and make-up while the kids were about, but in the end I thought – ‘Why not?’ and did it anyway. I just had to make sure I didn’t leave any underwear about. As you know, my make-up consists of a small amount of eye-shadow, not enough to show, but enough to be known to me. People don’t see past the male body, it seems, and don’t notice girl stuff, as they aren’t expecting it. I’m very tempted to escalate the coverage, but it’s probably sensible to remain low key – LoL.

I wish you all a super 2012. Keep those lovely blogs coming – I get so much fun reading them. Hugs. Anna x

Anna gets a Holiday

I always take some girlie stuff on holidays, and usually under-dress on the journey home. Wearing anything at all on other days isn't possible, as getting things cleaned is out of the question when we are away from home. I use eyeshadow daily, but only subtle shades, and not a lot of it so no one notices. I have my lipstick, which I'd never dare use, but I have it with me, just like a normal girl would, plus some tights of course.

We arrived at our self catering cottage on a Friday evening, and nipped out to Lostwithiel for some food for the next days breakfast, before an evening of games and bed. Saturday we went to Bodmin for a big shop up, and passed a school (I think) with a model railway exhibition going on, so of course I wondered if Angie had been there. We had some nice days out when the weather was good, about one day in three, and lots of beautiful autumn colours about. We chose this time of year because it was the first two weeks of the cheap season. Our little group concisted of Jay, Emm and myself. Emm is Jay's older sister by a few years; she's a bit batty, but is lots of fun, as she likes the same kind of stuff that we do, and she's mad keen on photography. We compare pics using the Wii picture show utility, (it's so brill) each evening. The good news was - Emm likes watching the soaps. Jay, you may remember has gone off the soaps, and so I get very little unhindered time for doing things Anna, but with Emm leading, the soaps were back on.

The bedrooms etc were down stairs, so I headed there, spent a minute or two doing a sedoku, and then stripped and put a towel on, girlie style of course. I put some lipstick on; filed and buffed my nails; plucked my eyebrows back into shape, and got the silky mitt and dehaired my hands and feet and knees. I usually use wax strips for the hands, knees, and feet, but I hadn't thought to bring any. Finally, I removed the make-up and showered. Back up stairs, when Jay asked what I'd been doing, I replied that I'd laid on the bed doing sudokos, and had a shower - perfectly truthful. I got four lovely sessions of pampering myself Anna style, and it felt so good.

The only drawback was - hardly any wi-fi for the phone. The laptop picked it up, but I have no Anna passwords on that. I got all your updates, blogs and Facebook stuff via emails, but no wi-fi meant no replying to anything. Perhaps I shouldn't whinge, as it was a super break.

Hugs Anna x

Buffy Bear

I found that I could grat the HTML data from a flickr photo and put it in my Wordpress (parallel, and almost a carbon copy of my Blogmobile) with out the hassles and problems I get with the insert routine that goes with the blog editor.

I'm now testing it here.


Buffy Bear

In Wordpress, the medium size HTML from Flickr is nice and large. Clicking on the image takes the clickee to the Flickr site holding the picture. It's no bigger there, but some pics could have details and remarks, not in the blog.

Some of your blogs are artistically fantastic, and so you girls probably don't get the glictches I get with software - LoL. I find this technique so nice, and fun - anything that doesn't wind me up is fun LoL.

I hope you are all having great weekends.

Anna x

I hate Passwords

My password stopped working, and it has taken me a week to get it going again. I was so mad with Google.

It kept going around in circles, so I asked it to send me the name of the blog associated with the account - the access name being my email - and a message came back saying it had no information linked to that addrress - Oh Yes??? So how come they kept sending me emails. I eventually found an old email with the info I wanted. At first it looked like the same loop had kicked in, but on the first cycle up popped the reset app.

Now I have a google account email too. Funny old thing, but when I selected the new password - and of course, I entered the one that I previously had - it said 'You can't use a previous password, select a new one'!

So here I am. I thought I was going to be staring at a useless blog (tut tut, naughty thoughts LoL) for two years until it dropped into the dead bucket.

At least you all know I'm still alive and having fun, but not necessarily in Anna mode. Even if I haven't been in here I've been following your lovely blogs on my iPhone. I just adore my phone - it's so nice having Anna in there, and doing Anna things.

One thing that has popped into my head a few times is - how long will it be before I sign an email as Anna when it should be Andy - LoL. I like my girl name so much, so I'm not changing it now - :-)

Have fun, and enjoy your lives,

Hugs Anna x

Lips and Nails

This has been a fun week, with lots of blog to reads, ad some interesting topics. Tina's 'Honesty Hurts' (Read it here  )  threw up a lot of interesting comments, and all those adorable sights on the right (i.e. my blog list) have had interesting bits going on too. Both Tina and Susan have the skill at seeing the important bits behind your writings, and coming up with stuff I hadn't thought of.  A bit of pressure from Jay this week though - complaints about my lack of leg hair, and that I'm making my nails too girlie. I'm going to show you my hands and nails. OK, I own up to getting them as girlie as possible, but at the moment I'm failing miserably - 'cos' they are nothing like girlie, and the physicality (a nice Strickly Dancing term) of them means they are NEVER going to be girlie. But I can live with that - not that I have any choice, do I , LoL. Lipstick; I have been carrying on with the practising / experimenting of applying the stuff. I have three lipsticks, two are Rimmel ones, and a third unbranded. Number three leaves very little tell-tale signs on my drinking glass, the Rimmel ones are awful, in that they leave big lip shaped marks behind. So it's not just technique, that helps cover your tracks, the darn things vary too. OK - I'm practicing, so I buy the cheapest, but I hadn't realised how much they vary. I guess I'll have to buy better and more expensive ones, and I still haven't got my lip-liner yet - LoL. I'm going to be out of net contact, for a few days, but with my new phone, at least I can read all your blogs as you write them. Interestingly, I can read blogs off the phone without raising Jay's suspicions, (so far, LoL) whereas, when I'm on the computer, she suspects I'm up to no good as standard - LoL. Have fun, Hugs Anna x

Waxing Lyrical - Again! ouch

‘Ok’, I thought, ‘lets put my wax strips where my mouth is’ – just figuratively of course. I did wonder, whether my big wax strips would be just as good, along the bikini line, as the little ‘ bikini line’ strips. So I put them to the test, and? I was wrong. The top of my thighs looked liked they had been kicked by a navvy – a thick line of bruises. The hair came away ok, but bon’t ask me why pulling hair off created such a mess, ‘cos I don’t know. I had to do some careful undressing for a while, so Jay didn’t spot the evidence – LoL.

We went to Kent for six days to see mum and various relations, and then onto Bristol. My son was having his graduation, his second one. He went through university many years ago, and graduated as an archeological preserver, but couldn’t get an archaeology type job, so he works in a call centre. His current employer paid for a Contact Centre Management degree, and it took three years; one afternoon a week off work,  so that’s an eight hour day, four in the firms time, and four in his own time, plus all the homework etc. Lots of work, but he came away with a 2.1, so we are all pleased with that.

We didn’t go to the post ceremony party, as we all opted to do a bit of a family history hunt. We went to Berkeley, just outside Bristol, to see the house where my great granddad was born, and where he lived, before moving to Kent. We then went to see his mum and dads grave, in the local cemetery there, and it is such a pretty place, I wouldn’t mind being buried there myself – LoL. Not for a while I hope! The family worked at Berkeley Castle some of the time, but also had their own cooperage, brewery and sauces.

I had booked us into a guesthouse, on the outskirts of Bristol for two nights. I’d asked for a room with twin beds, thinking it would be cheaper than the doubles, but unfortunately, all the en suites were the same price. There was a surprise bonus for me though – it enabled me to sleep in my feminine underwear. I usually manage to underdress the last two days of a stay anywhere, but underdressing in bed - a sweet delight.

I’ve bought a brown eyeliner pencil, but I haven’t used it out yet. Every time I go out un-chaperoned, I take my lipstick, and put it on when I get to town. My eyeliner skills are so useless though, so at the moment I’m practising at home. It’s always a bit of a panic situation, as I never believe I’m going to get the stuff off cleanly, before reappearing downstairs en homme – LoL.  It comes off a lot easier now that I’ve got the gen from Stacy, but it’s never a quick fix – or un-fix, LoL.

I’ve just read the instructions in my wax strip box, which tells me that I should cut the strips into small strips, before using them on the bikini line. They never remove 100% of hair, and I use each strip three to five times on the same area, to remove as much as possible. Reading other girls epilatory endeavours, leads me to think that no system is perfect.

A Lady in Waiting

I get lots of fun reading everyone’s blogs – not everyone on the net silly, LoL, just everyone I follow and hop through. I just adore all the differences we have, and the similarities with-in the differences – if you see what I mean. You all give me masses of fun, and more importantly, lots of hope.

Hoping for what – I’m not sure really – but probably that I can cope with the big discrepancy of what I’d like to be; like to have, and what I’ve got. There’s girls on Angels that have even less time and more hassles than me, so I’m not that badly off really.  I’ve been going through a phase where I have hardly had any crossdressing time at all – not to be confused with underdressing and a little make-up, which I do all the time. But then yesterday, I had a very powerful need to crossdress, and do the whole transformation thing – not a good day for it though, so I got rather sulky and down about it all. Today? – everything is OK. Jay is heading for the hairdressers, which she hates, and I’m heading for my clothes cache. I just need to get the timing right – LoL.

So how did it go? Very nicely, but today it was weird, because I was like, androgenised, dressed in gear that both sexes wear, using Bob Togs, but feeling feminine, and looking fairly feminine too I think – (I hope!). I had a photo shoot, as you can see – more on Flickr – and enjoyed the short hour of illicitness – just so nice.

It’s now 4 days later, and Jay has been as grumpy as hell – that silent kind of grumpyness. I guessed she suspected I was going to play while she was out. But no, it’s a long boring story about how and why they got there, but I dropped a pair of bright blue frilly thongs, in the bedroom no less, and jay found them first. It took me a day and a half to realise they were missing, and then work out why Jay was silently grumpy. I am so a muppet. She did at least say that she still loves me. We so adore each other, but have this little mismatch that is Anna.

I read a story written by Girlscot, called Josh and Gail part 2. A conversation between two people, Josh coming out to Gail about being transgendered.

Go to http://www.fictionmania.tv

At the bottom of the page click on the word ‘ENTER’

Then cut and paste  http://www.fictionmania.tv/stories/readtextstory.html?storyID=1286875449548092363

Into the browser address bar, and you’ll be there.

I cried when I read the story, partly in shame – it’s brilliantly written, and shows Gails side, all her fears, and questions, and worries – I can’t believe how crass and insensitive I was to Jays feelings when I told her I was, and wanted to be a woman. In my defence, I was in a bad depression, and I’d gone to my GP to get help, so I probably wasn’t thinking straight – but it’s a poor excuse. How do I atone for that, eight years later?

Cisgender, but that's not me.

I came across this new term the other day, and it wasn’t obvious to me, what it was all about. It appears that a cisgender person is someone who is happy with the gender they were born with/ born as. Sadly, I found this after coming across a post on Angels or Transliving International. A girl was talking about a friends partner, who had been the subject of abuse by a transgendered person, who she criticised as being cisphobic.

Abuse in any form, and in any direction is abhorrent to most of us, and from what I have read in other girls blogs, there are lots of support out there from cisgendered persons. At the moment, I can’t get my head round the fact, at all. We get so much help from non transgender/ non gender dysphoric friends,family and partners, that to pick on someone else’s partner is beyond belief.

My son split up from his first serious partner, (I think), and was a bit upset that we didn’t cut our ties with him too. We had built up a bond of our own, and you can’t change your affections just like that. Had we gone off the deep end, it could have looked like we were being homophobic from an outsider, who didn’t know the whole tail. We aren’t homophobic as I’ve said, but that doesn’t mean we’ll like every gay person we meet, (and we haven’t); so perhaps the above subject event was a one off fallout, but as I don’t know what was said by whom, etc. I don’t know that. The tone in which we say things can put a completely different slant on even a simple statement, and no doubt the writer of the post had taken this in to account.

Lets raise our glasses, to all those cisgender, transgender, and any other gender people we know, and be tolerant of, and blessed with, all our differences.

Love and hugs to you all, Anna, xxx

Introspection and Dolls

I was swapping comments with Tina, and I said "I don't do introspection" - which doesn't mean I haven't done it in the past, or won't do it in the future. I'm more into auditing at the moment - emotional and hard cash. Because I get very little en femme time (but more than some poor girls) I audit my purchases; is this 'something' going to give value for money when I'm only going to use it on a few 30 minute sessions a month? I've got a bit of my lovely dad in me - he was gentle, and very reluctant to spend money - but only a little of him, LoL. I sometimes wonder if the emotional hassles are worth it too - but so far I've always decided that it is. I may not be able to decide otherwise I suppose, seeing what I am - my head saying female, my body showing a male. HHHmmmm this looks like introspection to me - LoL.

We went to Kent to start the process of disposing mum's belongings, now that she is in care. She has gross short term memory loss, and doesn't know where she is most of the time, or what she did some hours ago. Anyway, I brought home some photos and negatives. In among the b&w pics was a photo of myself with a doll and my younger sister. If you have read some of my first posts, you'll remember that I said I used to play with dolls, but stopped when people started making comments about it. I'm quite young here, 4 or so, and I think I played with dolls until I was 6 or 7. Just guessing! But I remember that it was the tone of the comments (you know how nasty older siblings can be sometimes), that put me off playing with dolls. I so adored babies, (and still do), when they came into our lives.

Anyway, I was so pleased finding the photo, because I remember being happy with dolls. It lends credence to my memories too, do you think? I have recently been wondering if I can find a small doll, as an ornament for my computer desk. Dolls keep making an appearance in my life, but they are always someone's else's. Perhaps at 60+ I'm a bit old to be hankering after dolls again - LoL. I like to think that perhaps there was a bit of tgirl in me all those years ago.

Accessory-ising

I've been shopping again, but this time, I'm into accessory-ising ~ at least, I think that's what it is. I've bought a ladies watch, and the neat thing about it is, it has spring loaded half bands, that clamp around your wrist. I can whip it on an off in seconds. I wore it all afternoon and evening the other day, hidden under a long sleeve sweatshirt. But like all wearable contraband, it's so easy to forget you have it on. I started undressing the other night in our bedroom, Jay was doing a crossword in bed, and I had to nonchalantly pull my trousers back up over my panties, and finish changing in my bathroom - LoL. Just as well she had her head in the crossword, and not on me.

We replaced the down stairs bath with a walk-in-shower, which is next to our bedroom; this was for Jay's hip problems, and then we built a dormer bathroom with another walk-in-shower in the roof. This is mine. I adore it. It's my girlie zone - unknown to every one else of course - I feel so feminine on my own in there, and I've secreted some of my girlie bits there too. I know it's a bit risky, but so far, Jay hasn't shown any disposition towards searches, and it's nice to have things handy, and not hidden behind a wall of boxes. It's where I practise my make-up, do waxing and plucking etc. Talking of plucking, I have noticed a tiny problem here, the regrowth is very dark at first, so they show up quite a bit before they get long enough for re-plucking. Yes - I can see some of you thinking already - is she cut out for this girlie stuff? Forever complaining about thick eyeliner, nails always growing, eyebrows always growing - and you can add to that, thin lips. I just can't get them to look right yet with my lippo on. But it's fun practising.

I want some feminine spectacles next, to go with the planned new hairstyle - well, wig. At the moment I'm just thinking of those off the shelf ones at the local chemist, (spectacles, not wigs that is). I realise they are only fit for reading, or in this case, reading and self portraits - LoL. You never know, you may get to see what a sight I am. I do have a pair of glasses that are unisex, which Jay doesn't like of course, but they are single-focal ones, set up to use at computers. I got them on that - buy one, get one free thing. To me, they don't look feminine enough.

Things at home got a bit sticky, and so I've stopped using the net when Jay is around. I was being a bit blatant about it, in fact the blatantness was terrific. Making it obvious that I'm not surfing, seems to have done the trick, except I haven't had time to see what you girls are up to. I'm working on solving that one - LoL.

Hugs to you all, Anna.

Split Personalities and Time Sharing

I've seen it written before, that all though we T-girls talk of our time as Bob, or time as Anna, in my case, as though they were separate entities, in reality, they aren't separate - it's the time spent en femme or en Bob that's separate. It does make it easy though for us to explain what is going on in our lives. And what has been going on in my life? - Flikr - that's what. I only added our holiday snaps onto the Bob account so that family and friends could see what we've been up to, and marvel at our superb photos - or not. In truth, I don't believe I'm a great photographer, but I can take great photos at times. Some of my better photos have attracted attention, and of course, I've discovered 'favourites'. Hopping through peoples favourites opens up a wealth of gorgeous photos, and I've now got several contacts whose photos I enjoy viewing. My contacts are virtually all woman photographers, and some have only recently started doing photography, but they take lovely photos. I now check out my account every day to see if they have added new pics.

The problem is, I have been neglecting your blogs. That's a lie, I'm up to-date with your blogs, but I haven't had time to blog hop around your friends blogs, and their friends blogs and - you get the picture. Worse than that - I haven't written my own blog - so you've noticed eh? I've had a part written one in the word processor for days! and it's not this one - LoL.

So what has Anna been up to? Make-up, again. Late yesterday afternoon I put the mascara on - yes, the bright blue one, and my only one to date. In the low level lighting we use, it passed un-noticed, although it looked blatantly obvious when I put it on. I think people only see what they expect to see sometimes. I put the eye shadow on above my eyes now, just a little, but in view. The eye socket overhang keeps that bit shaded, so that's a help - probably that's a cheat too, but what the heck!

The thing with my time sharing, is that doing girlie things has to be spread out. I put the full eye shadow on, plus a load of mascara the other night, and when I was finished and satisfied, it was into the shower, and off it came. If I'm doing make-up, plucking eyebrows or waxing for example, then I can't also get dressed en femme. I'm not complaining, it's just one of those things. Talking about eyebrows, hairs are now growing from previously harvested areas. What is interesting, is that they highlight how much I have raised the bottom limits - nearly a centimetre. Just as well it's the centimetre under the overhang, and only becomes obvious when I raise my eyebrows in amazement.

I had a lovely Xmas by the way, with a few sad periods where I would have loved to have shouted - Hey kids, I'm really a girl. To be fair, that didn't ruin Xmas as we had lots of fun. I like to use my feminine side as much as possible, but no one seemed to notice when I did. You know the kind of thing, lounging girlie style, saying things with a girly lilt, under dressing, the eye shadow of course - but being en Bob can cover a multitude of delights.

There is possibly another reason no one notices - but I'm not going there - LoL.

Hugs and best wishes to you all, Anna x

More make-up tips / or not!!!

This posting was going to be, "Anna and the easy way to do Make-up". OK, not quite easy make-up, but easy eye-shadow. It had been going so well, the eye shadow, until I tried using two colours together. To be fair, it did look good the first time, ooohhh, but the second time, it looked awful. What about eye-liner you may ask – it looked like some one had borrowed a black line off a zebra crossing – it was even more aaawful. And the mascara stuff, it went on fairly well, …… but, it was bright blue. OK, ok, there was a tiny label saying – electric blue – but as it had a bar code on it too, I thought it was just the pricing label. All the Rimmel stuff seems to be in black bottle things; no colour coding at all.

Oh my goodness, but it was, well is, fun. I’m hooked on make-up. So I guess the time will come eventually, when I’ll be going for the, (fanfare), makeover. If I had had another girl with me to share the fun, it would have been even more hilarious.

I hadn’t realised that I would need to be an artist to get the best out of my make-up. I have found that Nivea body moisturiser makes a good foundation cream. The eye shadow is bolder and darker when I’ve moisturised my face first. It’s handy too, for keeping eyebrows neat and tidy, and if your hold-ups have lost there tackiness before you’ve laddered them, then a dab or two or three around the thigh before you put them on, keeps them in place quite nicely. Probably not worth trusting for an evening out on the town, (village – LoL), without doing a wear test, but it was ok at home. You’ll want to wear your best ones when you go out, anyway.

Yes, I know, genetic girls (gg’s) wouldn’t wear hold-ups under their jeans at home, but sometimes I just need the cosiness of having something feminine on. And on that note, I wish every one a merry Xmas, and may your desires come true in 2010. May your god or guiding spirit, go with you. Hugs, Anna.

Eyebrows and Legs, and Gossip.

Eyebrows are a bit like chair legs - I made a stool at school, and it sat square as can be - but if you get one that doesn't sit square, it's the devils own job to get the legs the same length agian, all round. It's the same with my eyebrows. I get them almost right, when I think it only needs one more pluck, one more hair to sort it out; but - pulling it out leaves a gaping hole. OK, perhaps not GAPING, but the aesthetic line I was after has gone. To get the shape back then takes some serious plucking, and serious plucking isn't appreciated by Jay. But now I've found the antidote to the white skin, that plucking leaves behind - yes, it's my eye-shadow. By chance I have got just the right colour to dab on the offending areas, and disguise all my efforts. Ok, perhaps one week is too short a time to claim absolute success, but if Time Team can postulate the existence of a Roman villa from finding just one tessera, then I can do some heavy postulating of my own - LoL.

Did I mention the problem with epilating one’s legs? Not the – don’t do that problem! – but the problem with hairs growing under the skin as they head for the light. My lady GP suggested using an exfoliating wash with one of those balls of nylon mesh. This did reduce the problem a bit, but the thing that cured the problem, was using one of those ‘silky mitts’ – sandpaper for rubbing your legs. Used every few days, it keeps the hair holes open, so they pop out, ready for the next waxing. Some of them don’t re-grow, and I’ve lost two thirds of my shin hair. I keep hoping the rest will give up too – LoL.

You know those little homilies that people add to there signatures, which can be quite entertaining, as you browse the forums and blogs – a recent fave; Only dead fish go with the flow. Well, my best favourite one, that I've seen being used on Angels Forum is - It's easier to get forgiveness, than to get permission - and that is so like life, as we, (I), know it. I do do things on a whim, on the spur of the moment, without a thought for consequences etc. If I stop to think or plan - then it's not going to happen - I'll get cold feet first -LoL.

Lists were to the forefront recently, - we were talking about a list of ‘Firsts’ and I said I could only manage a couple of items if I tried hard. Tina knew I must have more than that, and I must admit, I was exaggerating my lack of 'firsts' for editorial effect. Some of my firsts were oncers; for example, I'd been to ma's, and headed back to my sister’s-in-law place via Tescos, and I had come away with a top and bra. So as it was a dark, 5 pm on a late winter's afternoon, I put them on and went for a stroll around New Romney, with tissues in the cups for some shape. I just adored the frisson, and only got one strange look, when I got sussed getting back into my car.

The current trend among my lovely bloggers is fascinating too. Tina was chatting about respect, which is a key word in our family - something we tried to instil into the terrible trio - and we blame the ills of the world on lack of respect. I was chatting about wanting some acceptance, and Demi has been chatting about the responsibilities we have for our partners and families. The subjects are all interlinked I think, as we all need a bit of all three. Looks like you’ve got homework again.

Hugs to you all, Anna.

Tops for Bob

I've been thinking that I'm getting no where fast. I've missed my dressing time while I'm wearing my fibreglass cast - my fave tops won't slip over the darnn thing. It's sad that the only place I can't be feminine is at home. OK, not quite true, I can be feminine any time Jay isn't in the same room, but that's the sad bit - the woman I adore is the biggest problem. As soon as I step out the door I go femme in my head, although I'm in bob mode, and I practice my walk and poise. I don't care if I send out mixed messages, as I feel it's my only chance to shake off the lie I live most of the time. I'm a girl, so I should act like one - shouldn't I?

I guess I'm an enigma, but hey who cares. Not being who or what I feel am is what I care about. But, the other day we went to a local market, and I fell for some new tops - but they were tops for BOB, would you believe. It's 7 years since I outed to Jay, and for the first few years or more I refused to buy anything for Bob. When I had the chance, I had bought stuff to wear as Anna, but nothing satisfied my rules for male attire. The rule was, they had to be 'unisex'.

Now, I actually hate the term, because it translates as One Sex. It should be called Uni-style, because it is one style for both sexes. I dare say, my views won't have any effect on the clothing trade - LoL. My big grouse with 'unisex' clothing is that, in practice, 'Unisex' clothing is male clothing, given some pretty colour ranges, to appeal to woman. And lets face it, girls don't care about the gender style of their gear, because if they like it, they'll wear it. Not finding 'unisex' in a femme style proved to be my blocker. I don't like wearing anything that reinforces the male gender identity. When girls wear blue it's fine, they are still girls, when I wear blue I'm waving a flag with MAN on it. As my clothes wore out I eventually had to buy some male gear - and although I keep looking at 'unisex' stuff, I haven't actually got any. I guess you will be saying - "Silly moo - anything is better than nothing - grab that 'unisex' stuff Bob and on your way."

The tops? They had a girlie shear quality about them, if that is the correct word. Filmy T-shirts. A black one, with square blocks in differing black stitch patterns on black; a white one with square blocks in differing black stitch patterns on white, creating greys; and a white one with a small amount of black on collars and hems. The stall had a massive range of female clothes in all styles and colours - how I'd adore having a shopping spree there for Anna.

To end on a good note, I don't have any problems with my femininity, and I'm even becoming comfortable with what little maleness I have too, the problems are with not having the freedom to be whom I know I am. ok, I lie. I could just say, "Ok, from today I'm not going to anything else but be female", and say good bye to Jay and life as I know it. But love for Jay means I've decided to stay in this no womans land. I said I was a enigma - LoL.

Now here's the fun bit, ( well, I've got to give you some homework to do)! this link tests what parts your male and female sides have in your make up. I don't think it's meant to taken seriously. Me? My male side is 43% male, and the female side is 93% pure woman.

http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/the-bem-sex-role-inventory-test

Disguising that Maleness or Passing or both

Since my last chat I have found the links to the subjects I mentioned in the last blog. I had to do a search on the Angels site, and so the links are quite long. I've included the links rather than cut and paste the text in defferrence to the original authors. I guess that means todays blog is going to look distinctly scruffy.

The post about hiding those manly characteristics was actually called "18 Ways to Disguise Maleness", and the bit on eyebrows goes like this.

Quote:
18. Bushy eyebrows This is covered elsewhere on the site but plucking your eyebrows can greatly improve passibility, especially if you have a pair of Dennis Healey, woolly-bear caterpillars above your orbits. Always pluck from the bottom, pluck gradually and try not to get carried away. A visit to a professional beautician is a good idea at first, just to get the style that suits. You can buy eyebrow shaping kits from highstreet chemists but I've never actually tried them out.
Unquote.

The full text for this post is at:- http://www.angelsforum.co.uk/phpforum/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=37&p=81&hilit=maleness#p81

"Oh bother", I thought on reading the paragraph, "Now I've got to find more eyebrows!", so I went looking for them, and I quickly found a better bit on the hairy things in a post called "Tips on Passing" That one goes like this.

Quote:
Eyebrows Pay attention to eyebrows - if you can't pluck them into a reasonable shape then you can conceal them and draw new ones. To conceal eyebrows, paint the brows against the direction of growth with a theatrical make-up adhesive and when it is tacky, press down. Next, smooth over the eyebrow with Kryolan Eyebrow Plastic (from Charles Fox) and use a sponge to apply a thin layer of Lashfix colourless eyelash adhesive on top (this forms a "skin" which provides a good base for foundation). Use a very soft eyebrow pencil to draw new brows and try to be realisitic! This takes a bit of practice but the results can be excellent.
Unquote.

The full text for this post is at:-
http://www.angelsforum.co.uk/phpforum/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=35&p=79&hilit=eyebrows#p79
　
There are lots of interesting bits and pieces in those links, and you don't have to register with Angels to read them - don't you get miffed when you see a link to a very interesting blog etc, and when you get there, you have to register with another flipping site to read it? I guess it's the way the blogs have been set up - but I've joined enough sites already - I don't need any more. If your blog is not for public access, I'm not interested - unless of course it is on one of the 3 sites I'm registered with already.

Happy blogging and surfing, Anna.
　
　
　

Some successes, some set-backs

I need another computer, another contact with the outside world, out of sight from Jay. This one is ok, but I have to put my musings onto a memory stick/key thing and transfer it to my laptop – the Dilly Dell thing. I call it Dilly as in Dilly Daydream, cos the Dell people sell you a machine which is supposed to be all singing and dancing – and everything stops working in one form or another as the months pass, until you buy the upgrades. I refused to be cheated in this way, and got my software else-ware.

That’s not what I wanted to chat about. I just wanted a girlie chat. I noticed that some of my fave blogs are going through a slow period, and that made me aware of my own slowdown too. So I’m chatting.

When I first found the Angels site, I saw Joanna’s post – 10 things every Trannie should know about passing, or some such thing. I’d discovered one or two of them myself.

Waxing: now there’s a problem. I started waxing everything when I realised I was actually a girl, and most of them Jay has banned, but she hasn’t banned waxing the backs of my hands and fingers, or the ‘V’ cleavage of my chest. Waxing the backs of your hands was one of those ’10 things’. If I remember where it was, the list of 10 that is if you are not concentrating, I’ll post a link. The NfY, Niece from Yorkshire, told us a story about one of her workmates. He was so hairy, they nicknamed him Gorilla; it appears his hair went down his arms and right to the ends of his fingers. I had a bit of a smirk, me with thick hair down to my watch line, (when I wear a watch, which is rarely), and then nothing! That’s a bit mean though, calling a guy a gorilla, although gorillas are nice friendly creatures. I had waxed legs all last summer, but eventually the aggro got too much and so I stopped. I’ve bought some hair dye to dye them blonde, so they don’t show up – well, it’s not as if they won’t be there is it – but I’ve chickened out doing it so far.

Plucking the eyebrows – ouch. This is a success. Jay was not impressed when I first did it; the big give away being the pale skin uncovered by the plucking. The good news is – the skin tans up after awhile, and so I continued plucking the darn things without any more hissy fits. Jay trims them with scissors when she cuts my hair – she is very talented, and I love her to bits – so I also trim them myself with an electric razor, which keeps the mass down, while plucking helps the shape.

Nails; they are a blooming nuisance – they never stop growing – oh, you’ve noticed too – and they break off just as I’m getting them into a nice shape. Jay whinges if they get too long for her taste – but mostly she is OK. I think she must gradually get used to them, until suddenly – wham – she suddenly notices I’ve got nice medium length rounded – I don’t care for square – nails. The other thing that attracks unwanted attention is when we both go to grab the same biro or something, and I stab her with a nail – "Your nails are too blooming long again!" quickly follows the ‘ouch’. It’s no wonder that girls use stick on nails, but I have yet to try those. Hmm, that could be this months experiment!!!

Well, that was a nice chat, for me anyway. Bye for now, Anna.

Sulks Before Breakfast

Jay put a hot wash on the night before, and as I threw in some towels, I put in a pair of panties too. Jay does that, it is meant to spruce them up a bit. Jay always sleeps in later than me, so I didn’t think it would be a problem – wrong!

It’s 10 past 6am the next morning, no Jay in the bed, so I guess she is in the bathroom – I doze off and awake 15 minutes later – still no Jay. I sit up and look out of the window and Jay has hung my panties on the line and is staring at them in a concentrative pose. Hmm .. I’ll play dumb at see what happens. A sulking moody Jay is what happens, as she comes in and asks me if the underwear is mine.

‘Yes’ I say, as nonchalantly as possible.
‘I don’t want your clothes in with mine – do you understand’?

That’s got to be a result – sulks but no fireworks.

Undies on Show

When I first decided to go all out, at being a girl, the problem of clothing arose, and it was quite a while before I added underwear to the ensemble. I wanted to wear girl clothes all the time from day zero, and I thought that something androgynous, like jeans and jumpers would do, providing they were female jeans and jumpers of course. Jay hit that on the head straight away, and Andrea, (my first name for myself), went under cover. I started secretly wearing some old clothes of Jay's that I found in the eaves of our house. I was counselled against doing this, and so I got some of my mum's that I found in her attic. It was later still that sis gave me some that she had bought, and never got around to wearing. But underwear, that was another problem.

The problem was me - I was just so scared of finding that I was turned on by underwear. I was scared that if I tried wearing bras and panties, and I was turned on - then it would mean I wasn't gender dysphoric, but just going through some late middle aged fetish - just a dirty old man. When wearing proper clothes, (women's clothes that is), didn't turn me on - but it just felt so right, comfortable, normal, and made me feel gloriously contented - but not aroused, thank goodness, then I decided to try underwear. I had bought some underwear from Aldi supermarket before, and I felt hugely embarrassed.

'Surely everyone will know they are for me and not my wife', I thought. The cashiers didn't seem bothered. I had broken the ice - so to speak - before panty day, by buying hold-ups first, and later a bra. Now the panties; plain, white, and tight; they were my first choice, and since then I have experimented with thongs and shorts, and delicate colours, cottons and synthetics. The thongs were a waste of money, but a girl’s got to try everything, has she not? I still feel embarrassed when shopping for ‘delicates’, but not so much anymore – practice makes perfect. I like the cotton ones best, and the Sloggi from Matalan are very comfortable.

You are probably wondering where all this leading, and what was today’s faux pas. First off, I only wore the underwear when cross-dressing, but as I got more familiar with it, I decided to wear it as often as possible, and still do. If I can’t wear proper clothes daily, at least I can wear something no one recognises as being girlie, or I can wear something no one can see, or both of course. My trainers are women’s shoes, but no one can tell as Reebok are very good at making identical styles for both sexes, so that covers the first point; point two is the underwear of course, but you knew that already. So I wear panties during most daytimes, and underpants at night.

Now picture the scene, I’ve been gardening, and I have got grubby, I come in doors, and say hi to Jay and got to the bedroom. Jay follows, and is admiring my handiwork from the window, and I get undressed, ready to head for the shower. You’ve got it one, I’m standing with Jay, in just my panties chatting about the garden. She glances down and I NOW remember I’m in Anna’s underwear, and not Bob’s. Julie looks out at the garden again and I nonchalantly amble out to the bathroom and whip my panties off, and back to Jay as though nothing has happened. No big explosion, no row, nothing! I was in my white plain cotton ones, and all she saw was something white, and I guess what she was actually checking on was – was I nude in front of the window – no, so she was satisfied. She has a thing about nudity in front of the window, even though it overlooks the back garden, and the nearest house with line of sight would need a telescope to see anything.

She probably knows I am into panties now though. We were watching Countdown and the teatime teaser was something to do with underwear, and I got the answer very quickly of course – LoL – and Jay jokingly asked, (I hope she was joking), if I wore frilly underwear. Of course I said that I didn’t, and added that I could spot frilly underwear a mile off. I’m a lousy liar, even with all this practice since day zero happened, so I guess she knows now.

My next goal – to wear proper underwear at night too. If you have read more than one or two of my posts you’ll be thinking – ‘When hell freezes over’. Laugh out loud.

Hugs Anna.

Tears before Bedtime

For a short while I have been chatting to some friends, one is a post op MtF, (Male-to-Female, i.e. was born male and is now female), and she says she is androgynous. Although she now knows she is both male and female at the same time, she needed to be female, and only dresses as female. Another friend splits her time being either a women or a man. She was born, and is still male, but she cross dresses and goes out, and parties. The arrangement of her and her partner are that she has to be girlie when en femme, and masculine when male, and the latter is the majority of the time.

I’ve been watching these girls, and I thought that they had a pretty sensible approach to their lives, and I wondered whether it would work for me. Now, I had over the last several months come to terms with my gender dysphoria, (GD), and I was quite happy at last. I still had some boy moments which I detested, but otherwise things seemed fairly ok. This androgynous style looked like it had possibilities for removing the last annoyances, and looked as though it might fit me – or I may fit it if you like. I have been acting male around the house as that is what Jay wanted, and by adopting the – it’s ok, I’m ‘andro’ anyway - technique has helped. The only thing that I was a little bit suspect about was, - am I giving up my femininity. After a few weeks consideration, and chats on Angels and the phone, I think I am still a girl, and being a girl is still my favoured role. We had two weeks holiday in Fort William, a girlie holiday, 3 girls together. OK, one of us didn’t look like a girl, and the other two thought it was two girls and a guy – but, I felt immensely feminine, although Jay thought I was being macho, and has told me that it was a super two weeks with Bob! I had to concentrate a bit at times to keep the femininity under wraps; which worked very well it, it looks like, and I didn’t need to use my emergency girlie clothes hidden in my techno-electric holdall. Well, one never knows how things are going to turn out, and I always smuggle something along with me – just in case.

So it looks like I’m not quite the girl I thought I was, and I do feel better for this ‘fine tuning’. This is more than I can say for Jay. We had a mini set back in the relations department, and our chat didn’t help me much at all, but then, they never do. As I have said before, each time we have a heart to heart, life being Anna gets harder each time. I know, that is Jay’s ideal scenario, no more Anna. She caught me on Angels a month ago, and I thought I’d got away with it. She has been on the net herself, and told me that she is not stupid; she knows what Angels is about. Just as well I changed my avatar. She asked me what does Angels call me, so I admitted it was Anna. She said that she has also been checking our phone bills to see who I’ve been ringing; which is no one. I was on the phone for 15 minutes, and didn’t get a line to NZ once, which is blooming annoying as we have a call package which includes cheap calls to NZ.

We tell our spouses that being a girl in a guys body isn’t that bad, we are still the same people inside. Wrong. According to Jay, when I am on the net, I type in a feminine way, by body language is girlie. She’s knows when I am up to no good, as I go into the appropriate role for it. Sadly, Jay’s life is full of heart ache; when she can’t see me, she is wondering what I am up to, and when she can see me, I am quite often girlie, she wakes up and worries about it all, her whole life is filled with worries about it. I feel very sad for her. She asked why I couldn’t fight it myself, but if any one reads and GD literature, it is switched on with a one way only switch, and we don’t lose it ever again. I like that. I like being Anna; Anna is kinder, more relaxed, more laid back, more considerate, accepts lie as it comes, less competitive, still likes competitive pastimes, but winning is now nice, not a be all and end all of the game; games are now more fun because of it.
That is enough for one blog, so if I have a reader or two, have fun – hugs, Anna

A Letter to my Wife

The best advice for couples with problems is to talk to each other. Jay and I were not discussing the important issues we have, and a friend suggested writing her a letter, to get the dialogue going so to speak. I thought this over for a while, and decided to give it a go.

A Letter to my Wife,

Hi Super Girl,

Do you remember when we used to write such lovely letters to each other? Of course you do, - a silly question. This is a love letter too, because I love you to pieces. I’ve always been proud of you, you are so clever, knowledgeable, and to me, very pretty. I tell everyone how much I love you, how good you are at everything, how artistic, how skilful.

I know you hate my feminine side, but is it such a threat now, after living with it or enduring it for 6 ½ years. I know that was an awful shock, and you wanted promises I couldn’t promise, and answers I couldn’t answer.

I suppose you are hoping I’ll get better, but historically, once people like me have this duel gender identity – that is it – we have to cope with it for the rest of our lives. I want and need you for the rest of my life too. I am so pleased that you still want me with you. I so want to share the rest of our lives together. I know, you don’t want to see my feminine side, but I need time for self expression on that side – and is a bit of cross-dressing – 2 hrs out of a whole week – so bad? I like my feminine side, and yes, if it was possible, I’d prefer to be a woman, have a sex change op and all that, but I couldn’t do that with out someone I love supporting me. I want you more than I want all that. You are wonderful, and so lovely, and so supportive, and I couldn’t live without you.
There are lots of people like us, some make it, and some don’t. Most of us couples who are happy to make do with a cross-dressing partner who doesn’t want or need to go the whole route – make it. Each couple has a different take on what each partner will tolerate – what guide lines and parameters are to make them happy, to give them a workable solution. Some partners go out together while one is en femme: some tolerate and even help, but only in the home; and some tolerate it in the home, but refuse to actually see it; it being their partner en femme / cross-dressing.

I like cross-dressing, I feel beautiful, even if I look a complete prat. I like conversing with other people who cross-dress – I don’t feel so unique, so weird, so pathetic anymore. I’m normal, I’m not unusual, I’m not perverted, I’m still a nice person.

I adore you; it hurts me so much to see you unhappy, to see your tears, to hear the silences. I know you find my feminine side hideous, and your technique has to been to blanket and ban any sign of it, but is that really the best way? You said you don’t know what I’m doing, when I’m upstairs and you are downstairs, but you have imaginings. You said that every time I go out, you wonder what I’ll smuggle back in when I get home. The price of knowing could be peace of mind. I don’t always bring something feminine back, but yes, quite often. Mostly new nylons and wax strips. Life is so mundane sometimes. What do I do during the soaps? I put on a bra, stuff it with rice – if I get hungry I could do a curry – (sorry, couldn’t resist that), a blouse from Matalan, a skirt from the hospice shop or Littlewoods, hold-ups from Aldi, shoes from Littlewoods or the cancer shop, trim my nails and watch a video or the One Show on TV. 40 minutes of this three times a week is the best I get, and sometimes I don’t even get that, Sometimes I’m just not in the mood. It would be nice to be able to say :
“Hi Pet, I’m just off to shower and change”, knowing that if the phone rings, I can answer it and take it to you without having to rip everything off..
It would be nice to say:

“Hi Pet, I’m off for some ink cartridges, and I need some waxing strips, so I’ll gee them at the same time.”

It would be nicer too, if while we are doing the weekly shop-up to say;
“I need some nylons today”, and grab a pair as we go past and toss them in the trolley. I know, you don’t want a hint, a sight, a smell, of anything feminine and me coming together. But there could be a trade off her, peace of mind when I’m out and about, and fixed boundaries too in the home.

Lots of people have secrets, and what goes on in the privacy of our homes should be that. Why does it have to be public – it doesn’t. We don’t have to tell the kids – although I’d be happier if they knew. But that’s normal, or so it appears from what I have seen people say on the net; keeping it private from family and everyone else, that is.

Lots of people find support and solace within like minded, similarly affected people. You said that you don’t want help from anyone, especially if helping means trying to make you accept my feminine side. I’ve got the advantage here, because I’ve found lots of people like me, some worse off, some not so, some having to put up with terrible abuse and pressures. I love you for not putting me under such strain. I love for not throwing me out of the house, for not throwing my clothes out of the house, for not putting my life in the skip.

You asked me one day what I was doing at the computer.
“Chatting”
“What about”
“This and that”
“Oh brilliant”, or something similar.

I am scared of saying too much. Every time we chat, I lose a bit of feminine .. things! For instance, when we were chatting about waxing my legs, you said that seeing them like that scared you. Knowing that makes it very hard to do it any more – and I do like my hairless legs. OK, so every now and then I do a little bit – my knees mostly – I refuse to have hairy knees, but I’ve lost something there have I not.

I see lots of people on the net, or at least I see their musings, problems, advice, but unless I stick in with my own 3 ha’porth worth, they don’t know I exist. It doesn’t stop what they write being helpful. Yes, it would be great to say;

“Ann has had a good night out” or;
“Anna has a good idea today”, or;
“Annie’s had a bad day, poor girl”, and talk over their problems, like we discuss Ann’s across the road, or the people with the dog around the corner.

I want to help you, but I can’t help you by not being feminine. I can try and not be obviously girly, a you asked, by trying to be masculinely mannered when I am with you, although for me that means wearing men’s clothes. I feel I’ve always been nice and gentle. You can decide on that.

I love you and adore you so much. I do want you to be happy, but I want to be happy too.

Your Lover
For Evermore XXXX

I have cheated on the terminology. I don't have a duel gender disorder have one gender - I am a girl, it's my body that is wrong. I used this wording as I thought it would be more acceptable to Jay; as talking about my frmininity, as though it was something seperate from me. My femininty is me, it's Anna, I am Anna, we are one. I haven't broached the subject of Anna with Jay, as I feel this will ostracise me even more.

I hope this explains something more of who I am.

May you all have sunshine in your lives - Anna